i know i appear like a decent kinda player. and prolly look like a showoff. yes. fine. i want to be good. i want to be awesome. but its not like i dun ever get moody. i know myself im still pretty lousy in many aspects. but id like to believe i can always do better. cause i want to feel good. and know and be satisfied that im doing alright. anyhow, theres hardly anything else i enjoy, no love to do. but at the same time i am aware im struggling like mad. example in the field of jazz. i gotta work my ass off to improve myself. and it fkin difficult. its not easy. i feel like giving up on many occasions. but then that would be boring, i would realize. and yes i also get lazy to practice. i wish i can practice all the time. but thats impossible and i may go crazy too. but somehow i find that i feel much better after knowing that its more acceptable after a lil effort in put in. ahh... so is it wrong to be a lil proud. i wanna be able to encourage ppl too. but i think maybe its better when someone kinda have an understanding then can motivate others. i remember seeing this somewhere:
Yes, the liberal man shall be rich! By watering others, he waters himself.
hmm.. i feel it can also be: by watering himself, he can water others. i know that so wat if im good or somethin like that. its more fun with u all. though of course i cant hide my ego. sorry bout that. i wanna have fun. but not alone.
another thing is, am i acting too much? i dun wanna be labeled as though im too 'action' or 'wannabe' or that im taking matters into my own hands. i got my style. we all have.but i more or less would ensure that i get things right. i wanna be able to build on wat i currently have. to improve. to perform is wat i enjoy. but i also have fears of screwing up. and i get affected big time. when i get in such moods, many things juz become pointless. and every minute depicts agony. perhaps thats why i always seem to appear that i make myself feel good.
its kinda a habit this symphonic band affair.i love the feel of playing band music. and as usual i wanna be the among the best. coz, why not? now ive stepped into jazz, i feel the strain. have to start from scratch. and soak up to the pressure that i set myself. i am disappointed in myself for nearly every session. and its bloody frustrating. but slowly i hope to gain that better experience inch by inch. in symphonic i kinda vent it out by making sure i can keep up and play well. of course i got lotsa things to brush up. i think i can. i hope to be able to be juz awesome one day.
i feel pretty strongly for this cuz its more or less the thing that has filled me up since young. or rather something that just makes me feel happy doing. even if everything else burns to the ground.
