hmmm....

it seems im only to live and not divulge my feelings and emotions to others. not unless i tell them to the persons it relates to. seem to drift apart every time i admit or share a sensitive issue with a neutral party. im a total loss to how it always seem to happen. i know that i should be making more efforts. but things seem to completely block me off. ive grown weak to facing up to failures. its always so difficult to pick myself up so thats why i look to minimize my misgivings. be more cautious and open minded and strong.

I don't mean to run.
But every time you come around I feel more confusion than ever.
And I guess it's too much, maybe I'm still too young and I don't even know what's real.
But I know I never wanted anything so bad.

If you let me love you.
Be the one adored.
Would you go all the way?
And be the one I'm looking for.

Help me come back down
From high above the clouds.
But I blame myself.
And why do I deny the things that burn down deep
I'm barely breating.
But you just give a smile.
And I don't want to let this go.

next year

it went fine, but im gonna be among the top next year. slight disappointment, i wanna rectify that. im not serious enough this time. but, anyhow, congrats to the top 3. the standard is set. its gonna be different for me next year. and much more difficult.

hmm..

I have almost everything a human could desire
Cars and houses to light my fire
But there's something missing
Something isn't there
It seems I'm never kissing the one that I could care for

I want something to live for
Someone to make my life an adventurous dream
Oh, what wouldn't I give for
Someone who'd take my life and make it seem
Gay as they say it ought to be

Why can't I have love like that brought to me?
My eye is watching the noon crowds
searching the promenades seeking a clue
To the one who will someday be my
Something to live for
Something to live for
Something to live for 

this is pretty nice. made me wonder a lil. cuz i have mouthed those very questions to myself i guess, from time to time.

oie~

breyann lennard rafael.

im giving u the whole of this month to get ur ass working hard. sch work are to be done well and be attentive and not let ur concentration drop. drink lots of coffee or tea if it helps.
symphonic pracs are now to focus on the solo com till its over and ensure u feel that u've dine the best alr. in other words, dun regret blah blah. try not to re visit those times after attempts at auditions.
jazz music should flood your brain whenever silence is ringing in your ears.like now.
PUT SOME MUSIC ON!
-done?-
alright. as i was saying. learn and know the basic and fundamentals of theory. practice too. and listen to more influences so that u may grasp that tone u feel u lack. dun be lazy u fat ass!

finally, so that u wont be nagged too much at by folks. try ur hardest to fall asleep by 12. and its 6 minutes away. latest 1230. okay? anyway, u know yourself that u wouldnt be so easily half dead during classes if u did had a lil bit more sleep.
right, i believe u'd do well. now go and make this month fruitful. dun fking come back emo one corner ah! i'll knnbccb ur ass. ;p

drannelnnayerb! saxy~

i wanna be awesome. no, i wanna juz be happy.

here im gonna type out nearly every thought that comes in my head that is bothering me.

i know i appear like a decent kinda player. and prolly  look like a showoff. yes.  fine. i want to be good. i want to be awesome. but its not like i dun ever get moody. i know myself im still pretty lousy in many aspects. but id like to believe i can always do better. cause i want to feel good. and know and be satisfied that im doing alright. anyhow, theres hardly anything else i enjoy, no love to do. but at the same time i am aware im struggling like mad. example in the field of jazz. i gotta work my ass off to improve myself. and it fkin difficult. its not easy. i feel like giving up on many occasions. but then that would be boring, i would realize. and yes i also get lazy to practice. i wish i can practice all the time. but thats impossible and i may go crazy too. but somehow i find that i feel much better after knowing that its more acceptable after a lil effort in put in. ahh... so is it wrong to be a lil proud. i wanna be able to encourage ppl too. but i think maybe its better when someone kinda have an understanding then can motivate others. i remember seeing this somewhere:

Yes, the liberal man shall be rich! By watering others, he waters himself.

hmm.. i feel it can also be: by watering himself, he can water others. i know that so wat if im good or somethin like that. its more fun with u all. though of course i cant hide my ego. sorry bout that. i wanna have fun. but not alone.

another thing is, am i acting too much? i dun wanna be labeled as though im too 'action' or 'wannabe' or that im taking matters into my own hands. i got my style. we all have.but i more or less would ensure that i get things right. i wanna be able to build on wat i currently have. to improve. to perform is wat i enjoy. but i also have fears of screwing up. and i get affected big time. when i get in such moods, many things juz become pointless. and every minute depicts agony. perhaps thats why i always seem to appear that i make myself feel good.

its kinda a habit this symphonic band affair.i love the feel of playing band music. and as usual i wanna be the among the best. coz, why not? now ive stepped into jazz, i feel the strain. have to start from scratch. and soak up to the pressure that i set myself. i am disappointed in myself for nearly every session. and its bloody frustrating. but slowly i hope to gain that better experience inch by inch. in symphonic i kinda vent it out by making sure i can keep up and play well. of course i got lotsa things to brush up. i think i can. i hope to be able to be juz awesome one day.

i feel pretty strongly for this cuz its more or less the thing that has filled me up since young. or rather something that just makes me feel  happy doing. even if everything else burns to the ground.

ooh..

TAURUS - The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous.

random.

living the lives magically woven in the pages of books.
sometime i wonder and long for it.
perhaps that is why i find myself hooked.
wishing that even a tiny portion of the plot falls in place for me.
but still reality plunges you into the detail.
it is not as simple as to bridge words to a sentence.
making the changes ourselves as we flip a new chapter.
the script is our own to keep.
be mindful and wary though of everyone and everything as well.
where there is thrill there will be spills.
should i shut myself from these worlds i tend to place myself in.
where i am a character written within.
for i have defussed and contradicted the imaginary.
into what is being played out in reel time.
yet i know i will drift back to this momentary pleasure.
even though in the corner of my eye.
disappointment is there lying in wait.

came across this haha

Somewhere Between All Our Laughs, Long Talks, Stupid Little Fights And All Our Jokes, I Fell In Love.

Love Is Being Stupid Together
Sometimes your best friend is the one person you fall for, Remember those good ole times you had 5 years ago when you lived down the street and played house together. Or the time that you decided to get in the photobooth and take a zillion different pictures making funny faces and by the end you found yourself being so close to them that you just wanted to touch your lips to theirs long enough to see what it would be like.

who am i

i wonder how i appear to others. to my family, my teachers, friends, classmates, strangers?
sometimes i feel im very dull person. lack creativity to lighten up conversations.

i have been a failure to myself countless times. weak willed. someone straighten my back! argh!

am i missing out on my faith? my belief is not able to hold its own for too long before crumbling? self confidence not even able to reassure myself? have i grown a mask and lost myself? ARGH!

reflection

I was existing each day

Leaning towards boredom of life

In front of me, i see only lines and random patterns scattered.

Keen to bring back that feeling

Encouraging myself to feel the music within

Yet, i wasn't strong enough to be inspired.

Out of the blue, you walked into the scene

Unknowingly, that point on i was lifted,

Like a sunrise, i was enlightened,

In my being, i acknowledged the shift in my soul.

Yesterday held those better moments,

I now await for the moon to set.

my message in every letter.

smile

update, blog is now @ http://drannelnnayerb.blogspot.com/

a quote after consuming some chocolates:

A Smile Is A Curve That Sets A Lot Of Things Straight.

=D